All I want to do is fuck right now.

I am watching the snow plow on the path outside my window, it's a little late for that, no one uses that path very much anyways, they should just let that guy go home.

my body is running a wry.
mmmmmmm.

I really appreciate the snow, though I do miss the Georgia sunshine.

I feel some what like a monkey at the zoo.

My window the plexy-glass exterior of my cage, strangers watching me watching them as I pick the bugs from my hair and show them my ass.

meh, this is all to random for me, it's just saturdays I suppose, I'm going on an adventure.

So what's the harm in a little PDA...

I feel so irrational and somewhat like a blimp.
I'm coming to another one of those stages, the twenty something stage and I find myself increasingly annoyed with my hormones and my own antics.

I can hear the snow melting and falling as drops to the ground outside my window, it's like the steady ticking of a clock.

I never expected university to be so fulfilling yet overwhelming all the same, and I mean overwhelming my way, you know the emotional slug.

It's as if i live in a bubble.. I am grateful that the only thing I have to worry about is school really, not having to really work to pay the bills or worry where that next meal is coming from, I may have said that before, actually.

It is putting some stress on my relationship with james.
I feel awful about that, I don't feel we are falling apart, but there is some definite tension, and I am unsure how to manage it.
He prefers to go home on a friday night, and I prefer to stay out, he'd rather not get on a bus and ride thirty minutes just to feel awkward in my dorm and I don't want to ride thirty minutes because of his mothers dogs, and the constant chatter.

I've made my home here, in my little shoe box, it's comfy, cozy and it has everything that I need, or at least learned to function with, and this is a totally new country, I just hope he hasn't changed his mind about me.

I can feel it sometimes, he doubts my faithfulness. He's not an extremely jealous guy, he's not aggressive, and he never says anything, but I can feel it.

He is a true gentleman, I should treat him better.

I wont make excuses for myself, I am moody, I'm a bitch and I don't think I'm the best girl friend because I am too self centered, it's all true - facts.

love is a funny thing and after all these years, I don't think I deserve it, I'm too flighty.

my only hope for this new year is that I can be enough, and that I'm not holding him back, I love him too much.

hillery

don't you just love a good early morning melt down. Really starts the day off right.

heh...oh well, we always knew I was a loony.

I awoke to closed curtains a sliver of the morning sun shinning into my eyes, a comforting blindness. James is asleep in my bed. His body is sweaty, and still, his hair is plastered to his face. I can't help but think that I've failed him from this overwhelming feeling of despair creeping through my blood stream and into my gut.

I can't place it.

The only thing that feels familiar is my own skin.

I am uneasy, the room feel very small, closing in, dark, life-less, even the sun behind the curtains seems to now cast a dull whitish light.

I feel uncertain, snowed in, I am afraid to leave my bubble. Afraid to encounter some soul in the halls, afraid to look into a stranger's face. I want to be a ghost here.

But as soon as I pass that threshold, I feel okay, at ease, jubilant, but of course with the occasional fear, a cold sweat, a stiffness in my throat, a clinching, my stomach lifting to the back of my mouth making it hard to breathe.

I don't understand.
I know I have felt like this before, it's part of that extremist nature.

But I love it here, it isn't the place I am unsure of, it's me.

Another stage of adolescence.

I find myself being very nostalgic, lost on some plane of my past.

I think I am totally mental.

I sit, at my parents house, like many a time before, though each time I have a memory it seems a different setting, same chair, same screen, same desk as always - new room, new house, new street. I've told many a teenage tale through this technology and many tales it has turned, but I sit here now to tell a tale of a girl, who grew into a woman, who regrets parts of her childhood, but still holds them as dear as love. A tale of a woman, who after many years of trying to, has probably grown up too much, and too little all the same. A tale of a woman who has fallen in and out of love like the constant renewal of the earth. A woman who found true love, love that's so pure it hurts just to know that you have it, that it found you, that it is love - the most majestic and ever growing love, the love that makes you die and develop everyday, wakes you up, fills you with relief and desperation, confidence and compassion, desire and comfort.

I leave for Canada in a couple of weeks, I feel I don't have enough time to tell you good bye. That I love you, that I remember you, that I think about you, that you will always make me smile, that I want to see you and hold you before I go, that I want nothing more than to leave you with good will, and that I hope you will forgive me when I say that I don't plan on coming back, not really anyways.

I'm going to start the rest of my life now. I love you.
i do.