(please scroll down for part one)
Date: 4 June 2005
Subject: hillery hillery (le sigh)
Body:
I press 'compose' rather than 'reply'.

Umm... I sit at Corner with a funnyness lodged in my throat (no laughter, just strange tinglies and I cough and cough). Burrito Jones is closed tonite; I got a call awhile back and there was talk about a friend of a friend and some terrible loss... so the concert which was to take place is now here, and there are many people sitting and chatting and listening and drinking, which is great becos until now our shows were spartan for audience.

I drink a cup of coffee to wake and smoke many cigarettes.
They do not help my throat but they keep me from sleep, a tiredness which compelled me to slumber on the floor at home.
Cody is somewhere outside... when I got up I said 'let's go to Corner' and when we got here I went right inside where it is dark and cosy and where the music can wrap itself around me with ease... but he remains outside so I try not to feel any illness at having abandoned him these past two days...

Oh well.

I am without words and am melancholy.
I abhor parting with you...
It is a specialness to be merely in yer presence.
there is so much tumbling around my brainskull
which I should suspect will clear by tomorrow.
I get in funks which are unfounded.

I think about those books you have loaned me and so soon I will return home to read late into the night. Perhaps I will also play music.
I destest working but it gives me some terribly shallow purpose. My mother now wants me to do something worthwhile but I know not what that could be. So perhaps there is some reasoning to this depression.

Oh well...
I am funkified this night but shall be the very model of joy tomorrow.
This is how it goes.
Like coca cola nite I cannot help the course of my madness.

I think tomorrow will go to the park and sit awhile.
Should we happen to meet... (there was talk about dinner or some such)

My heart goes to you this night
in whatever you do

joy unto you
James

Date: 7 June 2005
Subject: smoke break blues - jumbles for your eyes
Body: Hillery,

it is crazy
whenever we part i miss you so
and so i squeak when we meet arms to arms and lips to lips

it is seven of the clock and i soooo regret agreeing to work
i thought i was doing a grand favour but it turns out i am not needed
someone just didn't want to work tonight
oh i am one angry beaver
you stole me away and i escaped
all for nothing
but i will have cash in my pocket later
so i can buy smokes and food
tho that is little cosolation

i suck down my death-stick and escape the kitchen for one moment
i forgot how much fun it was to work here
i also forgot how miserable it could be
when i worked here i could never escape my thoughts (which are more often than not ones of sadness and brooding)
tonight is is the same
some things never change
you are my the light into my darkness of night
mi estrella
i also regret that i cannot scoop you away in my new car when you skip out of practice
i had dearly hoped we could spend this evening together alone
it's been a little while since we've had only ourselves and no one around
but oh well

i miss yer letters
and too i still want to be a part of yer thoughts thusly and with writ
i have begun to form ideas for writings of myne own
which is great becos i have been blocked for so long
(james the untouchable, the unmoveable - if only they knew it was for fear of my tender-heart they should not find me so noble)
but ideas roam now, and i drink them that i may sweat them out on paper

mmm...

that chinese fortune proves true i think
did you muse upon mine, lout that i am?

i thought about how canada has grown apart from me and it pains
this trip i plan;
i truely hope that i may find what'er i seek there
(canada-shaped hole i have inside me... is this now my home? carrollton?)

sometimes i am a boy who thinks to much into things
who jumps at shadows
it is my greatest wish that you will be with me when i break all these walls
becos i think then i should be ever the more wonderous to you
and complement

i am aries
and impatient to know your ways
use yer horns, my dear, if you may

i have been gone from the kitchen too long now...

wonder unto you always

James

Date: 9 June 2005
Subject: harry rag on a wed.
Body:
i deliberate where, perhaps, to take you this thursday night
...there is much talk among troy and i about the best wild-flower haunts in carrollton...
corazon,

James

Date: 10 June 2005
Subject: my love
Body: Hillery,

I...

I die I do.
this heart breaks
and god i am afraid

your arms i can still feel
your lips and my nose on yours

i almost cried with you
but god i died.

you make me live
i am consumed entirely
the world around me is shadowmy lov
i am speechless

you steal my breath away...

i want to be with you always
oh dear god i love i do

i love you

Date: 11 June 2005 early morning
Subject: "can you scare me up a little bit of love?"
Body:
Oh my, i can not begin.
that was the most wonderful show of sound i think i've ever seen.
i hope i run into them one day.
my heart was beating totally in overdrive.
i am less a few hairs, oh but i've gained, i've gained a fortune.

i must be the luckiest person alive, things have been ever so well.
all the time,
and today,
tonight just flipped the ship.

oh my love,
i hope your day was beautiful, it was so rainy;
i heard your night was full so i can understand sleeping.
i would sleep myself, hadn't i already.

there is this beautiful ray that comes in my window in the morning.
i got up at 9:30,
for some reason i felt, incredibly new.
i got everything done,
for once...
everything.

and i was happy about it,
lindsey ended up coming over, because the cable man stayed so long,
but alas,
he fixed the cable,
so it is mighty well worth it.
i suppose,
for correspondence sake it was worth it,
for loves sake.

tomorrow is my brother's 20th birthday....
that is not so old to me, yet extremely.
though only 2 above,
it seems like the step.
10 years ago he was ten and i 8, we had just moved to the state of georgia.
oh my, oh my.

he got his first computer.
and he had very nice carpet in his room...for some reason he got new carpet, it was a goldish color, and it was all rippily...
he had the best room in the house, wit this closet that turned into the attic play room,
it was like a fortress, and the ceiling was so low.

oh james...
i like to say your name out loud,
i am addicted to it's vibrations.
whispering it feels nice too,
i almost want to call your home,
it is late, i know.

i can't even talk about the white stripes,
all i can say is: they are wonderful people.
i know this, because i feel it.

and i know lots of things this way.
one of these things is you.
mmmm hmm Mr U.

i feel we haven't had enough time, yet it feels so much longer than it has been.
your face is all over,
when i sleep i see it,
when i wake i see it,
i feel your skin, your lips, your touch, your breath.
oh....

james you put me in ecstasy...my entire soul.
i am wrapped around you, and surely if you were to pull one way,
i'd follow,
the other,
i'm there.

oh it's rash...
i can't help but move full force and at top speed,
i can't get enough of you,
of your skin, you lips, your touch, your breath.
i want all of you,
all the time.

god damn distance, god damn my inability to cope, and
god damn god damn.

james i love you
and i would remove every bit of me that ticks just to hold onto you forever.

"women, listen to your mothers, don't just succumb to the wishes of your brothers, take a step back take a look at one another, you need to know the difference,

between a father and a lover.

i love you,
i love your love,
and your belly button too.
i do, i do.
sweet slumbers my Dream,
hillery

Date: 15 June 2005
Subject: "Ghost, ghost, I know you were within me, feel as you fly..." NMH
Body:
my love,


Oh my...
it is six thirty. i asked jonathen at burrito if i could come in a little later than six (jacob said i looked 'rough') becos i am so very tired. I have a few minutes to drink coffee and sit and writechu. I have no telephone to use...

tomorrow i will be leaving for work. we will go to south carolina and i will not return until friday eve. must i work then too? all day i thought about how sad I will be to be so far away from you.

i am excited tho
i think about last night and how wonderful it was to talk with you for hours
i used to be a little afraid of your mind - of how large it seems
but now i look forward to knowing so much more... of never reaching an end (i always did, but now ever the more)
oh... i imagine i can feel your ghost arms around me and ghost lips speaking into my ear.

we met last night on another level
and i saw so much of you
and i love you
more and more
everyday...

mmm...
i haven't much to say, that is, i can't seem to form legible thoughts

...
send me more of your beauty via this box so that i can hold it in my heart when i lie in some hotel in south carolina.

ever your love
James

Date: 16 June 2005
Subject: a thought
Body:
i am going to bed.
it is so hard to hang up on you so i do it with a quickness
i think that i should get duct tape so's that i can tape the phone to my ear, but that is just dumb
i can't make you hang up becos what if it pained You so?

a billion thoughts

mmm now i sit and think awhile about nothings
and now
methinks i should be off to bed

Date: 16 June 2005
Subject: dangerously sliding on an icy path
Body:
darling,
i had a very strange dream last night, which involved ice sledding in my underware...but i could just sit outside and not feel the cold, but there was also a very creepy man there, that was someone�s uncle, and he...well he got too much excitement out of me sliding around so i stopped myself...
more on that later,
it was completly creepy...

oh geez...
i don't know if i can do it,
it happy yet so sad that i have become so dependant upon you so fast...
all these millions of thoughts have turned to millions of years,
yet i have no weight.
i and i feel if ever i need to open my mouth,
and say anything...
that you would just suck it up.
i am never afraid when with you, or whilst your thoughts are in my head.

i used to make sure i was careful.
i couldn't just tell anybody anything...
that's not how things worked, and even my most trust worthy of
companions....
i'd find myself withholding information,
in order to save myself.

but i, feel no boundaries...

and that's what i always wanted.
to be myself, with out titles, without restrictions...

and i feel as if that is possible.
i i mean, it's ever more present with you,
most often i found i had to be alone to achieve some sort of stability, and still even then it was always depressend and solemn.

and i don't mean to say that everythings changed...
but you've changed everything.
it's kinda scary thought.
knowing that i could jsut give up to you,
but the greatest thing is, is that you wouldn't ask me too...

jared he'd might have...actually he would have,
had i ever allowed myself to lose all control, and jsut give in,
he was would have eaten it all up and asked for more.

with you there is some equal satisfaction...
i am satisfied solely being in your presence.
and i feel that returning, because of the vast array of things we do to fill our time,
not fort he sake of filling,
but just as it happens.

i'm not sure why i am trying to justify this,
somewhere i know you have questions, as i doof you of your past self,
and my past self.

not that i question you, there is just so much to know.
oh man it's great.

i can't handle it, sometimes...
how good things are,
it amazes me.
oh god, james.

truth,
truthfully i can say with a doubt, and i know people always say this, or think people always say this,
but truthfully,
i have never had the pleasure of knowing something so right, and something so good,
and i know this because i feel it,
in my gut, in my head, my soul...even in my fingers..
i've neve rfelt so completely comfortable in my own skin,
or next to the skin of another.

they always had something else before me.
i feel important to you.
that is amazing.
it's so wonderful.

i am amazed at your amounts of love,
and how you are so capable of giving so much to me so freely,
it's so abundant.
i've never been treated.

dear god,
there is truth in the world.
hehe...
there is.
and as corny as this sounds...
it's you.

i love you so god damn much i can't contain it, nor do i feel the need to do so,
hillery

And that�s all you get, the most amazingly exciting and monument month of my life.
Oh how I love my lover.

James and I - early days.
Folder name, Galapagos turtles.

First Letter ever.

Date: 26 May 2005
Subject: �i wanna spin my little watch right before your eyes..."
Body:hello james,
i thought i'd sit down and write you a letter, i am not use to having an address to send to nor am i sure of what to say, but this solely writing in order to put something in your box and for the sake of conversation thing can not be so hard, and actually, it's kinda a nice feeling, knowing that i could write anything here and you could read it, and think anything of it i suppose,
but the sad thing is, i can't think of anything to say.
so i think i will say these words by gertrude stiene:
"write without thinking of the result in terms of a result, but think of the writing in terms of discovery, which is to say that creation must take place between the pen and the paper, not before in a thought or afterwards in a recasting...it will come if it is there and if you will let it come."

i'm not sure what i can discover in this little white box of mine, nor am i sure what i can discover over these satellite waves to your little white box but i will say, that i hope your day was well, and i truly hope, that there is more on your mind than on mine.
here is some space for your empty mail box.
hillery

Reply-

Date: 27 May 2005
Subject:Re: "i wanna spin my little watch right before your eyes..."
Body:
Hillery,
I'm glad you wrote, I've been tossing the idea around myself (like a juggler) for a day or so... but my home computer is broke. Thus the Cafe.

So... I sit at Corner with a clear head; not entirely piecing or tracing any one thought, just relaxing in a meditative slump. And so today, at this very moment, I think now about yer quote being so lovely, about the peticular thought it represents - about writing. When I write, it is always at the forefront of my mind (albeit far less poetic) that I am on a voyage through my imagination and that it is precisely because of a lack of preparation that makes the exercise of writing ever-the-more exciting and alive. But I feel as if I digress - my inbox is now one up from zilch and I thank you - despite that you feel it is somehow inadequate to the purpose... of what? It's great! Write whatever you like, I do, even if it's just a disconnected series of somethings equaling nothing more than that.

It is always joy to read.

I looked over yer poem again the other night and I quite enjoy it. I even dug out an old guitar with three strings and had a lot of fun. Felt like I had something going. I think the best pieces of work are those you can take and spin in whatever direction and still retain the it (there was some french I used to know which succinctly represented 'it', something akin to raison d'etre, the otherwise intangible 'essence of something' in psycobabble). So in other words, it's good, and I'd love to see more. I know I like feedback on my writing, Julisa is usually most generous in that, and so if you ever want, like, a creative deconstruction or something... or like an indepth something or other... I just mean that I'd love to be a part of yer writing as I hope you can be of mine.

Letters rule becos they are rock gods. Tho' for all my words, I feel as if I'm missing the crux of something.

Hummn... I am glad, I suppose. I have been without someone to write to in a long while, even more importantly, someone who (I believe) shares the same lust to discover and explore and have fun. Whatever yer thoughts or feelings, whether drugged and tearing (by which I mean tangent, abstract and bustin' not exactly melancholy), or quiet and subdued they are welcome anytime.

Well there... I guess I've tried to put some positive spin on a non-issue.

Oh... my day, eh? It has been ok.
I went to work at 8:30 this morning... we drove an hour and a 'heif' (like on newgrounds.com...) to go tune this organ in Alabama... excepting that the church didn't put the air conditioning on the night before. It is important that when we tune the organ it be the same temperature as it is on Sunday services - otherwise the notes bend and the pipes warp out-of-tune. This means that we need the room to have cooled for 12 to 24 hrs. prior to our arrival. Needless to say, it was a fruitless venture, we left almost as soon as we arrived.
I had a six dollar subway sandwhich for lunch... it wasn't worth the dough, and I was still hungry and also reluctant to fork out another bill.
Slept during the entire ride to and from the job. Feel a little guilty as this left my boss alone to drive without the usual conversation - I did this yesterday too. Hope he doesn't mind too much... but today he was talking about hiring me on for real... and all I did was just sleep a bunch... Got back to the shop/office and played a freshly refurbished reed-organ. I want one now. Oh well... I have to work tonight and I feel pretty sickly. Maybe if I work-up a fever I can cop-out... fat chance. I look forward to tomorrow as I will have most of the day off, I will sleep in and tune-out for a bit.

Anywho... enough of myself... tell me all about yer day and whatever comes to that mind of your's. I write long letters... don't let that dissuade you one bit.

Ummnn... peeps are waiting to use this box. So I have to cut this short. I sincerely hope in turn that all is well with you.

Thanks again for the letter, for real.

James

Reply-

Date: 27 May 2005
Subject: *the scenery is sad here, but my thoughts are rather nice."
Body:
James,
i haven't the time to write a proper reply, or rather i guess a reply that is worthy...but i do want to say, that this is rather exciting, i mean, the feeling of knowing something is waiting for me to open up and take in. it excites my soul, i can sit here and imagine what you might look like sitting and staring into that pixily screen and the expression on your face as your eyes trace the words, my words....wow...that's a very great feeling, sadly time is essence and i have none to speak of now as people are waiting on me to do their illegal biddings, but you can expect pages upon pages of words for your eyes, within time....very soon i suppose....but i must leave you with this as i have no time for any words to woe or console, which i regret...i do.
so here is another poem for you, a grand one at that....
the lake
the water billows at my feet, the wind is blowing fast and i'm holding on so tight the metal seems apart of my skin, cold against the pink flesh of my left toes the water seperates into streams and in the rush of white and bubbles i am lost wishing to slip and fall, but hands implanted into metal know there is no use, i'd only be swallowed by the blue silk and lost in the wakes. I lean as far over my feet as my arms and metal will allow to get a closer look at the blurring reflections of my face with trees and clouds distorting and making it beautiful. the water flows, the air speeds and i look ahead, a smile coming cross my lips so big i can feel the air pushing into my mouth and splitting my cheeks filling my lungs with the fresh clean breezes of my freedom; at top speed.
i love water, i love being apart of it, and i love fish, and to fish, and tomorrow since you are off, you should join me in a canoe with a fishing rod and we can paddle about this lake i live on, or the city lake....that is if you'd like and if time allows...
fishing is nice and fishing with someone who contains beauty is better...
cheerio!
have a great eve...i will see you again.
hillery
Date: 28 May 2005
Subject: woop di doo, number two!
Body:
james,
i must be on a roll....2 in a row.

i'm sorry to say we'll have to abort the fish mission(you might not know what i am speaking of unless you've read the previous letter)....my parents are dragging me off to alabama on a bases that we need some good solid family time...it wont be so bad, we have this little creek house over there, it isn't much, it's too overly decorated with "fish stuff" but it's still pretty nice, it only has 2 rooms and a basement...but it's real nice, it's on this massive creek that runs into lake wise(spelling? who knows, not i)...it's rather beautiful, i just don't like the fact that i have to give up on the rest of the weekend, not like i would have done much around here, but still, it's just the concept.
and i've got lunch tomorrow with my grandmother...she's an amazing cook, there will probably lots of home cooked food such as pie and corn bread, which is pretty typically southern but also, pretty typically good too. I'm not sure about the company though, there will probably be a lot of down time, in which i'll search through that giant box behind my grandfather's old recliner, through the last months news papers, for all the cross words and the comics, then i'll retreat to the back bedroom and try my luck with my non-existent trivia skills...or if my cousins come there might be a traditional game of LIFE...you never know, that will usually get started and forgotten, but hey...it works i suppose.

Yesterday was pretty interesting...the kids and i saddled up in the car and went off to find a secret place for illegal dealings...so mike told me about this trail behind this church and it was pretty scary driving down, i had to dodge mysterious black piles and maneuver through the tall grass, so it was really scary...except when we got down there and i cut off all the lights, it was actually really beautiful, there was a million fire flies just dancing around, even up in the trees and it felt like we were in the mountains somewhere. and with the right choice from my rather limited music selection...which consists of maybe 6 cds right now, we chose interpol, and set out with our fire and contraband.

and i don't think i've ever gone to bed so early on a friday night at someone�s house, i swear we all fell asleep around 2, which wasn't supposed to happen, at all, but i woke up in the morning rather refreshed and besides the fact i was sandwiched in the middle of two smelly, snoring boys and had no pillow, i was pretty content, and hungry.

but we fixed that mike, amy and i drove around to various "house" establishments, everyone seeming to be full, but after 20 minutes of waiting and watching our table get stolen we finally sat down at the waffle house on the way to villa rica and had our selves a nice meal, and besides the fact that i'm broke, i had some pretty filling hashborwns with cheese, and mushrooms, and some chili on top, almost a mistake, but not, not to mention that this lady at the other waffle house gave us these ten percent off coupons that were really nice, and i got away without having to pay for a damn thing, because i guess i'm just good like that, and i'm completely broke.
all i have is the gas in my tank and the cigarettes in my pocket, and dime...i do have a dime.

and so after a really long mess of nothingness i am wishing i had something important to say, something radical and maybe a bit fantastic...but that's not coming true, so i will wrap up this mess and bid you a good eve, and happy sunday, i do hope to hear from you, or rather read from you soon.

geng---here's you a letter Sir, and i'd tip my hat to you.
hillery

Reply-
Date: 28 May 2005 4:28 PM
Subject: this is so not the best e-mail ever (30mins! whoo!)
Body:
I sit at Corner again with the biggest grin around (I am sure becos I just looked up to see if anyone else was smiling, only Daniel strutting and Marlena a' clappin'), yer words brighten my day. Alas tho, I needs be workin' very soon and Lacey needs the internet. I have been sitting for 30 mins trying to make a due reply, but my freshly woken brain needs time to mend towards daylight doings. I am sorry, I cannot write now. !! I promise I will by Monday when you return.

all yer words are important to me
don't cast yerself off so easily
it is a rare joy for me

James

Date: Sunday 29 May 2005
Subject: "The day is cold, and dark, and dreary; it rains, and the wind is never weary..."
Body:
Yo,

Humn... it is nine o' clock and it seems I have the whole night to myself.
I woke up today around two after much doings and dealings the night before. My abused brain was swimming in lala land, and it took some time to clear all that blasted sand from my wakey-cakey eyes. When I finally woke, it was with some degree of shock that I realized, coldly, that I had blown through forty something bucks with nothing to show for it but a new fever and some fresh memories. Ahh... my lungs feel like brillo pads - it was a fine night tho, I got off from work at the Burritotorium with pep, found a game of hackity hack and spent out my sweat and neglected wit for - gosh - about an hour or so I suppose. Spent another hour afterwards arranging an adhoc crew (zane, brandon & sophia, the captain - who actually took off before we got anywhere, alex, alex and alex, robbie, matt, ryan, josh, troy, and patrick) so's we could get krunked. Met up at taco bell, then swung by blockbuster, to arrive finally at zane's where we all got toasty for real. Then a few of us went over to Eric's (old school corner crew) and continued the quest for fire. Got home, slept. But it sounds like you had quite the night too, rather more interesting than mine. Shucks.

Oh... you should point out that trail to me sometime, it sounds amazing. I used to hunt with my old dear friend Ben for such spots where we would chill and fire and chat. MacIntosh, after-hours, was a favourite - but it seems too far or too risky for anything like the casual pick-up tune-outs I enjoy. Which reminds me, just down the street from my house there is a dock. A couple years back it was my spot. I used to take my cigarettes and burstin' heart to while away the dawns with my feet tucked under me and the duckweed swimming around my fingers. Wow... what a time that was.

I am at the collage in my mum's office. It is the only internet access I have tonite.

It is raining now. It pours from the sky and taps beguilingly across the aluminum awning just outside. There is another sound too... a long, constant something - a fan perhaps? It is a rusty colour against my ear drums. Drawling... on and on. If I had a mind for it, I would warp the sound against itself like origami to catch the tin-pan rain, crawl into it, and search for loch ness.

But onwards!

I like this poem too... the one about the lake... racing the waves and clouds... again, as yer writing seems now to do with some regularity, I am reminded of my own experiences - this peticular memory being all at once dark and cold and beautiful. I grew up on a lake. A large lake - one of the largest freshwater lakes in the world - and my memories of it are as common as a hot georgia summer. My street ran streight down to it, two blocks of victorian/worldwar houses seperated by narrow driveways and that cool evening breeze sweeping up the boulevard. On days such as this one, mist from the wave-action was so fine that it drifted on up from the breakwater and slick mossy trees and coated yer skin with a chill wetness... In the spring my family and I would take the ferry across the blackness and chunk ice with the cold dry air pumping our blood up to our faces and hugging our toes and ears and fingers would be that damned mist... somehow getting between the layers of nylon and wool... or perhaps it was only my clammy hands as I hung to the rails with my nose out to starboard. Oh! All the blacks and greys and greens so so dark... but such a change from the monochrome empire of jack frost. And so hopeful!

Tell me more about this lake of yours.

I hope you have enjoyed your family outing. As for myself, I escape their suffocating presence for a few hours. It is a double edged blade. It sounds as if yer parents allow you and yer siblings a great degree of freedom, is it usually a bustle of activity at yer house? You don't have television in the entire house? I do not question, but merely wonder what prompted the trip. We have a television and our time together is spent occupied in a series of individual persuits... maybe we should all go someplace for a weekend too - get away to stop going apart.

This fish house sounds very nice indeed, how does it work? You spoke of a bedroom, is there also a living-space? A porch? Is the other room just a kichen with a common room mixed? What's the basement like... is it dirt and cobwebs? Concrete and cobwebs? All cobwebs with a non-cobweb floor covered in cobwebs? Maybe there's a couch and radio?

It is now all gold outside with those lamps ringing the campus.
I took a break to smoke a cigarette (tho they're killing me slowly no doubt about it) and thought about that canoe voyage you spoke of. It has been years since I last sat in one and since then it has been a dream I return to every now and again, one which, over the years, has become connected to a myriad of wishings and doings. When my dear friend Emily and I first came to meet we would spend hours on the telephone, many times, strangely enough, talking of canoes and making whimsical plans to couple them with skateboards and armani suits... Now more than ever it would mean the world to go out like you say and fish. But perhaps that is unfair... I think of how I suddenly seem to have taken some importance in your life (which is gracious and delightful and I wonder at it I do), about how I run from such instances or abuse them... but perhaps I am being overly sensitive, I am away this night it seems, in a world of my own and draw too much importance on otherwise rather mundane things. But I speak to much of myself to myself. So...

Why do you say it is sad around you?

I hope more than anything that you've not experienced that 'oh god I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with my family for the summer' syndrome... like those old 80's flicks... oh I love those films. It is like that every day at my house except we've never made catapults with mysteriously large rubber bands or bungies, painted cars with flames and crossbones and guitars, held impromptu rock concerts, or other done any of the other activites typical, as it seems, to 80's teenage life. Did you have time to read whatever books I'm sure you brought with you? Make any daring escapes to sit by the lake, or down the creek a-ways with a notebook or hastily made jay? Fireside powows with the folks? Any success with number 37 across on any of those crosswords? How many games of solitare or spades?

Ok... well I think I'm through writing... I'm sure when I get home I'll think of a million other things to say - but I suppose there's enough discombobulation here already. I suck with the letters. I hope I've got enough here for you to play with - I sorta worry that when I write to people that it's all a blur of unrespondables. Oh well.

I look forward to reading whatever next comes my way.
Yer letters are a fullness in my day, which I enjoy. so thank you for them.
I can only hope is that myne bring half the rock that yer's do.
What lies in store for yer monday?
I will be puttering around doing a bunch of nothing. If you would like to do something (like canoe!) then give me a call (7)830-9869. I'll try to dig out some of my old writings, etc. to show you.


a wonderous starsday to you,
James

P.S. i started that book and it is quite good, i like the fairytaleness to it (too often I read grungy noisy things), does it keep up the entire way through?

Reply-
Date: 30 May 2005
Subject: "i don't get it, they just can't get enough of that hasselhoff..."
Body:
allo james,
woo...so much so much, i don't know were to begin....
the lake i suppose..
.i regret to say my father is a fancy man...quite quite the fancy man, and with that comes material, un-needed and un-used material, the lake i live on is rather large, something something acres, can't quite remember, nor is it that important to i, but to my father of course, acreage is a grand thing...i don't know how it turned out that way...my father was a little ol' country boy from cedartown geaorgia..a hippie and a car hop that went to business school to become a banker, he was still in school when my older brother and i were born, my brother born in south alabama and i north lousiana, it was just us for a while in a little rental house in monroe, until 18 months after my birth, we high tailed it back to alabama, a place called Gadsden, and set up another temporary homestead, but soon, pop's was hitting the big time, and the house became a home in a neighborhood shaped like a cereal bowl with two spoons, it was right across from the coosa river...i really liked that house, there was a small creek in the front with a piece of ply wood for a bridge that Dru and i could cross, there was a tire swing, and in the back my grandfather had helped us build a really neat tree house complete with a pole in the middle, i think it was a piece of an old basket ball goal, but it was a pole none the less, and it was great, we could always find old liquor bottles and old medicine bottles, there must have been an old house back there at some point, because my mom always talked about the daffodils, and how that meant there used to be a house back there...
wow...i totally just did not talk about the lake...
that poem, was the first poem i wrote when i moved to carrollton, my father had borrowed one of his fancy friends motor boats last summer and had decided to take me out. I had a broken leg, so i was quite a lame duck, and was sick from the thought that i could not go swimming in that lake, so my daddy thought he'd be a good daddy and take his little princess out on the water...he let me sit at the very front of the boat, and it was just me and him speeding around, and i was holding on so tight, and knew something great was going to come of this town, some how i felt, after so many weeks of cursing, and crying for moving, i was actually happy for the first time on that lake, just being apart of something, i'd spent the last four weeks in a bed, in the same room i'm in with the same set up, just a mattress. they'd had to put a screw in my ankle, i was very foolish and thought i'd try my luck at skate boarding, needless to say i haven't gotten on one since, and even then i was only on for less than 5 seconds...that was the first and last time....i have no balance on wheels, but anyways i'd spent the last four weeks lying on that mattress as boxes had been brought in and just placed about me, i was hardly coherent and all i ate was hydrocodones every four hours for the pain and goat cheese, bagel chips, and sprite with lots and lots of ice,
and left people lots and lots of strangely funny and drugged up messages...a friend had told me some weeks later i had called her and talked on and on about times when we were kids, as if i were dying....i have no recollection of such a phone conversation,
but she says she put me to bed and that was that.

the creek was rather nice...i get this strange lonely feeling when i go out there, almost a feeling i cannot cope with...but yet it is nice, i almost like being consumed by it.
since you seem so interested i will abandon my feelings and now talk about the layout of the house, and return to feelings later. so here is how it goes.
the house, used to be a one room storage type building...my fancy father had these men come and dig a large square in the side of a hill and build this huge concrete box, which is the basement, it's probably the safest place there is, it's all concrete, ceiling, walls floor, it has since been sectioned off with white paneled walls added it has two bedrooms down there, one with bunk beds a couch and an old trunk with a tv that only works with a nintendo... the other room is my favorite, for there is a huge mattress and the head board is merely the inside strings of this old piano that was built in 1812, just leaning against the wall, whenever i sleep in there i'm always afraid i will move and cause it to fall over and crush my feeble body, but it hasn't happened....that piano is the best thing in the house....it's beautiful, i mean it, you should see it, and hear it, i feel like the conductor of a symphony when i sleep down there, because it's usually just me and a few candles and that massive piano...sadly i ca not play them when they have keys, but i can play their intestines and i think that is my favorite part...there is an external staircase that goes up to the front porch which is level with the right side of the hill and then there is the house it's self, a perfect little box, that has also been sectioned off, were the kitchen and the bath room are the same size, not but 6 square feet... and then there is a screened in porch that half has been converted into a bedroom, which is also one of my favorite places to sleep, it is very small, and the most canbiny of all the rooms, with raw wood planks on the walls and burlap curtains, and i love that porch...the perfect smoking spot, especially when it rains....there are some wicker rockers out there and a dart board...it's a nice retreat...
but the best place of all...is down by the water...both nights i snuck out of the house, so i could enjoy a smoke by the water...it's like a private ocean...the water laps and also roars over small rapids, and there is broken wicker rocker down there, stuck in the sand, i could sleep out there...it's kinda scary on the walk down there...neither of the dogs will follow me, for they are so frightened, so i go alone and just sit, dazing off into some lonelsome world...
but i regret i must leave this now...my brother is fighting for an equal share in the computer and supper is on the table(friad sweet potatoes chips, crazy country folk, just crazy)
i hope that this fits, and i hope to get out of the dang blasted house, very soon, it is giving me a head ach.

guten nacht
hillery

Reply-

Date: 31 May 2005
Subject: "the brain is a terrible organ to shovel" too bad 'cuz this guy mr. hasslehoff is a prime mover.
Body:
I wrote a nice letter and the computer ate it. Now it is late and I become a slathering zombo with sloth fingers and such.
I must sleep.
This is not fair...!!!

For that I will give you a poem.
Blast damn the death of a letter!
but first I will lite as I desire calm - then - I shall call upon the muse by way of her cousin the wind (who at this moment lingers ouside my door, impatient and burdoned with the weight of all neptune's sylvian nymphs who cling to her in whispers) and return to type what'er is confied.



lithely tendrils of moss step smoky roundalays
(leaping, now and again, upon sunbeams thinly spread in autumn patches)
against mushrooms, great roots and - my the greens are lively

the second verse is not forthcoming - but somewhere swimming way out in the water...

I'm looking for something I wrote before to substitute... ah, here's a bit o nothing I came up with one night in a fit of free-form:

"the [adjure/abjur(?)] of this project could not have been accomplished if the centre of location were any missing pens. But, as I said, the faulty, which was just a bit unruley, was the default, negatively, for a non-obtrusive pen. Yet - the evidence is yielding and the subject simply using - a pencil for the tooling!"

So it's not very good... rather a lot like how I used to write when I started; not so much in the material itself, but the 'lightness' of verse. I see it as a sort of playful rhythm. Whatever. One more and then for real it's bed time 'cuz I must be up earlyish.

(something I thought about while I was dropping out - taking a trip, as it were - which I later fleshed out into this):

"the Word is in shambles:

the zealous application of practical sapien values
:thought transmuted to curves:
is a language of lines
yes

BUT IN THEORY NO LINES EXIST"

whew. none of that seems to satisfy me. i know that i have better words to tell than those. perhaps they will do tho for now.

bon nuit, bon nuit
more anon

James

Reply-

Date: 31 May 2005
Subject: early sun beams and the jingle of miss kitty's bell
Body:
funny thing...
i've had trouble sleeping myself, i awoke about 4:30 this morning and since have not been able to calm my soul or coax myself into sleep.
i let my mother have my bed. she'd been complaining because my father had moved into the bedroom, so i thought i'd try out that really sqooshy couch chest upstairs....bad idea. it took me and hour and a half to even just fall asleep, then i woke myself because I was moving so much and retreated to a large pillow and comforter in my new room, upon the floor. i thought if i made myself tired enough, by being uncomfortable enough, i'd surly fall into sleep, but no, the floor was just not working for me and my plan failed, not to mention Cleo can like since you are awake or something and she came jingling up the stairs and pawing on the door for me to let her out, so i did, and came here. i'm not sure i have much to say....yet. i can see the sky slowly getting lighter, and do wish my mother will wake up soon so i can take my bed back, i feel as if that is my problem, though i think it is not. i never have trouble sleeping places, i'm almost always capable of sleep, even on a rock. it just happens some how.
so now i'm here looking for things to occupy my time with, for i feel very uninspired by my sole existence.

i have found this poem, it's from january...

My Lizard King

The other night i dreamt i went back in time,
I fell inlove with Jim Morrison.
He showed me secrets unknown,
beautiful secrets of his past, of his dreams, and why he's gone.
And we made love, the Lizard King and I,
that cold January night,
and i was warm, in the snug clutches of time once lived, and when i returned to my rightful place, a babe was born, a Virgin Mary, they said, "the babe of a king, a king long gone."

it's about jim morrison...obviously... oh man i had this really great dream about him once...and that's what happened...i went back in time and he impregnated me...it was great, i tell you, absolutely wonderful, because when i woke up, it'd been so real i wasn't sure if i was pregnant or not.

oop my father is waking up now...i have this feeling he will ask me to move my car...

tu tiene mi luz, mi amigo.
Hillery

Date: 1 Jun 2005
Subject: mmmmm the smell of chicken and fabric softner, what a de-lite.
Body:
james,
today was a very nice day, i don't think i've ever come to enjoy someones constant company so fast as you, you are definitely a companion of mine, whether you are a lamo or not.
deep sigh.
i got to finish the laundry when you left, and that was a damn blast, let me tell you, actually it was entirely boring and quite lonely, but i survived, and somehow it might have made me a stronger person, i doubt that, but it might have...
something i've realized...
i am constantly faced with a reoccurring problem...and that is when i sit down, to birth something from my fingers tips i never know what it is i want to say...well maybe i know what i'd like to say, but when i do this, i go through a million different thoughts, searching for the best and most true, maybe that's the liar behind letters, you are allowed to erase, but think that's also the good thing. they are fresh, and they let you put things down, perfectly, or close enough to what would have come out of your mouth had you been capable of thinking of it and revising it, and choosing the best phrases and such...
i don't know, i could say a billion things...but i am one of those who fears of being too much...i try to keep my thoughts on paper to others well balanced...maybe that's a defect...i probably shouldn't worry too much about it, but i think it's understandable...
i also think i am capable of saying so many things, but i am not capable of telling the future and i suppose that is what i fear, not knowing the outcome...and no one can reassure me, till i get my guts and it is done.

mmmmmm
i am a mess. truly. if ever you are awake and it is early in the morning, and you get the urge, if ever you will...you are quite welcome to call my cell phone, i will answer.

and now a poem...this seems to be a trend...but i like to think i'm trendy and staying right atop of style....i suppose.

undecided white matter.

purple crest and forrest blue,
my memory bears inverted hues.
my pitted brain, with an immortal dream,
that split the yoke, and divided reams.
i can not rest, my will subsides,
to beat my chest, when love abides.
i know no temple talk, no cure,
for i suppose these thoughts procure.
so still the broken colors lay,
in cotton fluff, with a dreamy disarray.

mmmmm
goodnight dear james, good night.

Reply-

Date: 1 June 2005
Subject: woodpeckers have stolen my brain
Body:
Hillery,

It still rains outside...
Tomorrow it seems I am to work with the organs. I called my boss just a while back and he said to be ready around eight thirty. I do not know where we will be going - I thought to ask him but decided, rather, that I enjoy not knowing. If it is raining in this distant town don't know what I'll do; perhaps just think about damp pants and dripping umbrellas and the moody blues. Later, after the sun sets (behind dull wet clouds?), I will be making dishes clean and burritos savoury. I have no idea what the rest of the week's going to look like...

Tonight I am restless; but it is a nice sort of way.
I wonder, do you now sleep soundly (wild curls playing across your pillow), or are you awake as well, perhaps even brushing the same thoughts as I.

Cleo's face reminds me of Egyptian royalty. That narrow snout and subtle length, rich fur and typically large moon-eyes... My own eyes feel heavy, leadlike and lackluster; all day they have been so, or felt so.

My soul begins to sparkle tho...

I wore that tie for some time at the Corner and when I grew tired of wearing it upon my neck - it moved to my head. I read that magazine, drank coffee, skipped about and played arcade games. It was grand. I haven't had such a good time in awhile - I suppose I have you to thank for that.

Ummn... I am sleepy sleepy and I begin to remember some time ago there was a dream had... which I spoke a little of today... none-the-less...
I can't remember who drempt it... Lacey, Julisa or Elanna... (they all have strange powers... dream-visions, etc.) but it was about a Lizard King - it too was apparently very lifelike. There was a lot of talk afterwards about Jim Morrison, cults, mythos and dreams. The Lizard King - whomever he is (another besides Morrison?) has apparently been seen in other visions... there's one bloke in England who's started a sort of on-line Lizard King 'watch'. I myself keep a sleep-eye out for him - and for others. It is amazing the things of dreams... Lacey has told me on occasion about her 'shared' dreams, strange tales of flying to meet friends in mountains... or prying up the 'bubbles' (without sucess) around friends all gathered in sleep. The funny thing is that whomever she's drempt about in this manner seems to agree that they saw her, or spoke to her, in their sleep that same night. I've always wanted to share something that intimate - I have had a lucid dream before, but it is a private thing, and one without magik. Tho this dream of yours... romance and god it does sound great.

Ohs... again I have written a rather dull letter... I mull over a million things... and then put them away out of reach...

When I get home tomorrow evening perhaps then I will have something interesting to say.

sweet dreams to you this night,
James

P.S. how did you come up wit yer e-mail moniker (pill & master)?

Date: 1 June 2005
Subject: if i could be so bold
Body:
I send off the last letter and lo!

you are still awake i hope
becos tho i did not say much before
i have had a wonderful time with you.
will i be working all week?
i hope not.

i also have laundry to do...
procrastination first-class.

funny thing... i was thinking the exact same things tonight...
when i was at Corner and Sean came over to my table to talk to me about WWN (that magazine) i mentioned how i wished i could speak more like i write...
but then here we sit down with our thoughts in some crazy order to type and whew... off we go somewhere else. even now. i suppose the best thing would be just to put them all down without thinking... the trick, at least honesty wise, is maybe not going back to perfect... or exiting without saving/sending... but then again... without reading and re-reading and sorting and musing it isn't somehow as true... but then again...

i think it's absolutely amazing the things we seem to share
the similarities and how certain words and things and stories mirror
(even tho sometimes they're different but they somehow still coagulate into a whole, at least i think so)
so yes i guess we have known each other a while without really going through a bunch of timestrings
(you know that in greek Tycho was chance - the only one who could act despite the Fates' whims - i only think of that becos chronos is supposedly father of time and time is a silly deceitful thing anyway that and you mention future)
i don't think that the desire to communicate is a defect
ok so i get all knotted up about the hows and ifs and whathaveyous of writing, wanting every word to be a precise declaration of being, of me, without any room to put words between the lines... but at the same time i try to use that same empty space... wanting it to be filled - to do some of the work for me... maybe. not wanting to be misunderstood more than anything i guess. talk about cake.
too i fear those things i can't see
it is a part of my being a lame-o
but here i try to do make say think
and you have cute guts anyway

i think i like that poem the best.
it is crazy, i go and go placing all of the words across yer screen without revision
then... i stop

hmm
but you are bright colours not worn nor askew nor anything of the sort
i really think yer somethin'
and i wanted to plant one on you all day
but more than anything i guess it's just wicked that i know u
even tho i feel, more often than anything, a mess myself.
i hope that's not too sappy or trite

...so there... i feel better with this

shit... willie just took off out the door in the rain... it is very very late...
now i'm worried.

ahh! he's back....
strange goings on here.
says he 'took a walk'...

ok... i have to sleep now.
to you a night! adieu adieu

James

Reply-

Date: 1 Jun 2005
Subject: if they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannon shots
Body:
^^^napoleon bonaparte^^^

Dearest James,
oh man....once again i woke up early, but this time i was rather successful in falling back into sleep and i slept so heavily i can't even remember any dreams...
i don't like that, i don't like heavy sleep...
i remember nothing...
and dreaming is definitely the best part in sleeping, so there is no fun in that.

you are off to tune organs, what a task...
i wish i had an ear for sound and i wish i had nimble fingers and could conjure up great symphonies...
i could see a little person like me sitting on the nice velvet bench of huge-amos organ and playing something harshly brilliant,
but i think that's some old man, for it is surely not me.

oh what to do with all this space...it contorts with each press of the key and stretches to an endless length...can the length of an e-mail ever stop? i mean is there a bottom or is this little white box infinite?
i'd like to think it's infinite, but also that's rather discouraging, oh man.....

my lips are so chapped, to the point of pain and i don't know where any chapstick is.
so i am at a loss.

tonight i am going to stay with my friend kim in rome. the girl i used to take to school in the morning, this shall be interesting, she called me last night, to confirm it.
i remember when i told i smoked dope and cigarettes...
we were in this pantry closet at my friend herring's(her name is actually erin, we've just always called her herring, in which i call her heaven, because i think it's more fitting) house, it was just me and kim...kim and i were close buddies and had known each other since the first grade, some how that made us automatic best friends, i was always doing her bidding, she wasn't unkind, mind you...she was still young and i was showing her the ropes, she didn't know how to be an artist, her brain was often too organized, and i was very much a slob and a bobby mess, and i was her morning and afternoon, i guess "care-taker". she was tall and blonde and i short and a brunette, she always won the spelling bees and i never did, for my birthday once, in the 8th grade she gave me one of her spelling bee buttons as a joke...it was nice and i wore it around all day, though i think it said like spelling bee of 96' it was a delight.de-lite. so we were in this pantry, at a party, everyone was outside around this camp fire with smores and such. it was a complete shocker to her.
nobody actually did that stuff, especially anyone close to her....
that's how they all felt, the entire posse, except erin and beka, erin was undecided and i had already desecrated poor baby beka's lungs with my "filth" soon that whole gang had found out, and half was unsure how to respond, one fourth didn't care what i did to my lungs..and the left, which was soley beka, would even join in on the fun...it was strange i was a friend with heaven and her older brother jake, but separately, i was like the link erin had to jake...she didn't know him, and i hung out with either him or her every weekend...and that was strange because whisper whisper whisper "he smoked pot"
suddenly they had all the idea in the world, and hillery was a big girl...not only was she the only one with a valid drivers license, she smoked dope.
heh...
so tonight, everyone will try to pretend they are who they used to be, because they don't see me very often and it makes them all sad for some reason, i hate to to think i let people down...
i hate that thought, but there is not much else i could do...
i could spend the whole night in a fake silence or open and show who i am...
somehow i feel i steal the scene...somehow i was always the little leader, the big kid, except with my older friends, then i was equal, but here, they all looked up to me for some reason...not anymore i suppose.

beka says i'm still there...she is my favorite. and my little twin, we look quite a lot alike, but i have grown tired with this subject i feel i am ranting...when really i wanted to do was write you.
write you.
about something,
worth saying.
worth putting down,
and doing,
on this endless...
glossy white page.

i have this urge to put you in my arms.
is that rash?
i suppose i could delete it, but i wont, for i'd still be thinking about it...so there it be(taking gertrude's advice)

mmm my names where given to me. i have had this since middle school, and in middle school i had a friend, mindi, who called me her happy pill...hah...
i regret, she wasn't a very happy person..doing all the things one should save for later life, and so she had shrink in which she'd pour out her secrets...
but some how she found...i made her happier than anythin...it's very flattering.. she said i was her happy pill and if only i'd stay there, she'd never rely on medicine...but i moved and she moved, all the way to california, she called me once...from there not too long ago...maybe a year...i can't remember anything specific or of importance, but maybe she was happy.
and master of the beans....well hillery: hill-o-beans some how turned into the master of those damn beans...and so it goes.

james, james, james....
i still have laundry to do, but i am thinking i'd rather go just lay in my bed, or my pallet rather, i set up a nice sleeping place last night...that's besides the point...(though i know not the point, therei sn't one so it must be completely to the point there for a tangent)
i'm in one of those moods you know...to day dream, i wish i had some contraband, to vivitize and naturalize my day dreams, they always seem brighter and more heh...realer.
what a waterfall of thoughts....geeze, how over whelming.

i went and layed up there for a while, i decided i'd send this afterwards...maybe it makes it more real like...who knows.
i like to lay facing the left side, i find i get confused up there, it's almost like every time i close my eyes and open them back up, i'll be facing a different way, but i'm not, i always open them i and see what is left of that bed and all my things strewed about it. i played the white stripes and danced about, i think i could play guitar if i tried, it would be supatastic if i could, or at least the bass, and i could wear a little top hat and cover my eyes, and the bass, it could be extremely large and i could be tiny and we'd just be the match, me and that bad-ass bass.

my brother just left for florida...wow...
i wont see him till august, unless i go down there...which i should and i really want to,
but my parents are werd-os and maniacal.
probably wouldn't let me drive.
of course i could go stay with megan...
drew has this beautiful girl named megan for a love...oh man, is she amazing. she is the epitome of beautiful...truly.

uh oh.....geeze.
i fear i should go, daily chores await, mo-ther is a calling, and i am just rambling anyhow.

i do hope your day was a grand one.
i bid you good bye and i dance a gig in my own excitement.
hillery

Date: 2 June 2005
Subject: billy corgan is my idol.
Body:
James,
i will now tell you the story of my escapades...in rome-ville.
i shot gunned it to rome going over 70...with the idea i was late...but i arrived in time for a smoke with 30 minutes before the movie...
i saw a lot more people than i expected...the whole crew...the "posse," that's what they call themselves...i have the honor of being a sub-posse member with a first class seat...
mmmm the movie was.....bad...very bad and i found myself with the excuse of taking Kim's little sister leah to the bathroom....that was the best part.
we went flying...i through her over my shoulder and we flew to the restroom at top speed..i love the way she giggles...
"hiddrey, hiddrey, can we fly? hiddrey,..don't tickle me-eee-ee!!"
that is the absolute best, and it makes me want a babe of my own.
after the movie got out about 12, i stole beka for my own...and we took the long way home, which involved stopping at the city clock tower...we parked at the church..and walked up the hill, i was completely out'a'breath...we layed on this blanket i happened to have in my trunk...cus we decided we didn't want to be the first one's at kim's house...
it was perfectly perfect...
we found this piece of caulk, that looks like a horse mounting a rock...they happened to be renovating the tower-o-clock...well not while we were there...but there are massive latters...

your coat protecteed me...it kept me sane whilst driving like a maniac, i swear i passed two cops going at least 50, over the humble speed limit of 45...okay, so maybe not 50 but i was going pretty fast...i was booking it.
strangely i am very happy at the moment, and it is all your fault, you have put an uncontrollable bounce in my step...and can't hide my teeth...
damn distance, as much as i am amused...i don't want to be here...but shhhhh don't tell...

i will see you tomorrow my lame-o crusader of peace and truth...
send me a poem...i am being bold...forgive me...
i am consumed, i am consumed.

hillery

Date: 2 June 2005
Subject: bang bang bang on the door baby...bang bang i can't hear you, bang bang!
Body:
i wish you were awake,
and in my district...
i have to tell you, i've desecrated your coat in childish games....
we've since played a game of PTD which is the famous "posse truth or dare"
which involves, a lot of immature nakedness and sex sounds...
i'm sorry, i had to tell you.
and i'm sorry to show my inner child...what can i do...you had to of known she was in there somewhere...
i am quite an embarrassed fool, yet i was a lucky one...i didn't have to lick any toilet seats or place my naked rear discreetly on tile floor...or run like a horse naked...
you've made me addicted to e-mail...
i'm sorry. i think i must be lonely...
i wish this was instant, and my brain could receive your responding thoughts, you are probably off on some escapade into the wilderness of zane's livingroom...
i wish you well once more.
fare well fare well
for i am off to crowd a bed with three....
your ever rotten appled compainion,
hillery

Reply-
Date: 3 June 2005
Subject: tin roof!
Body:
Hillery,

it is a coca cola nite
some evenings i drive to marathon and buy a coke and smokes, then return home to 'surf the web'. well tonite i bought two cokes.

at work all night i thought about yer smile and lips and eyes
mmm
the rain smelled wonderful
and your hat kept my head dry as i pushed the garbage cart to the dumpsters.
two ladies who ate at burrito earlier were standing outside (at garbage time) and commented on how terrible it was that 'they made me take out the trash in the rain'. i tried hard to veil how pissed that made me. i said something about how nasty it would be to leave trash sitting outside in the rain all night. but they insisted. why would they just up and diss my boss like that, and do they think i'm some push-over? do they not understand anything about the value of honest work, sanitation or the basic merits of civilization? if they were trying to be sympathetic or kind they only made fools of themselves. i guess it's not a big deal but it upset me.
but again, your hat, i clutched it on the ride home close to my chest (where your nose fits so perfectly) and thought about braving shady grove again so it could be you instead.
it is strange... i have been a whirlwind all week... my thoughts a'tumult; i have been a creature of the mind for so long that i thought my heart had eaten itself to a tiny crumb - but it is not so.

your voice is wonderous
and i think to call
but it is cola nite and i do not use the telephone on these occations (it is weak i know, but that is how it works).
i do so hope that you are not in any trouble
that there have been no tears wept
or ultimatums, or groundings

my socks are damp so i remove them
the t.v. is on in the background and i listen to stewie (a character from the cartoon family guy) sing 'ive grown accustomed to her face' which is from my fair lady (which i'm sure you know). we acted that play in third grade and i was a narrator becos i was too timid to take the stage. it was all i could do to clutch my lines tightly and recite them from the corner, sandwhiched between the window and a classroom desk. later that same week we preformed at a retirement home and hospital (the one behind my house in kingston). both times i convinced my teacher mrs. oliver to let me go home early. also we did romeo and juliet and i decided my favourite character was mercrutio - "part fools! put up your swords - you know not what you do!" (or was that bevolio?). third grade contributed very much to the person i am today. i guess i was just lucky to have had such an awesome teacher.

so that just came out and i meant to talk about today
i had such a wonderful time
and i try to think of a million silly sweet things to say
like
you are this cat's pinstriped pyjamas.

you are no wierdo
not to me.
you are stunning and by far more than anything i could have imagined
i'm humbled i guess
and so i am quiet and contemplative
but i am excited to go on more adventures and already i can think of things to do which is super cool becos i used to always draw blanks with people.
and the butterflies calm down;
i felt a great deal more at ease today

i wonder if you sleep well tonight?
did you get yer mattress upstairs or is it pallette again this night?
how is dru? is he away safe in florida, any neat stories on his journal yet?

your site is without update since may.
i devour it and wonder at the words
how do you have these words?
what makes them flow from you so?
i am a shade of ink
i eat my words lest they overthrow me
they rile in my stomach
and poke fingers through my tounge
as they climb
up
into my mouth
turning me blue
i cough and cough and their blood spills down my chin

immortal children
i drink you like rain...

...well there is a poem, i whipped it up like a peon
unquestioning it was, it arrived without announcement and preformed well.
thank you to the muse
thank me too
i cannot tell if it is worth a spit
i have that feeling of having accomplished something i didn't think i could do
so i am biased
but it is glorious and i only wish more would come.
but i eat my words lest they betray me
i know no cong fu
not even in dreams
i raise my fists and shoot my guns and wave my swords
but they are all ineffectual
they turn against me; i defend myself bravely but am never strong enough
to fight
i must out-wit but it is hard when these dream-daemons have tanks and helicopters and i have my weak hands and confused mind - which makes these very dreams which turn against me.
yet... if ever you should find yourself cornered, outnumbered, your cong fu blood thick and boiling, muscles taut and eyes darting from one opponent to the next, to the next, to the next (ad infinitum) then look to the sky and i will fall with the tanks and hellicopters and daemons to join the great battle - putting those cutters (your nemisie - spelling?) to the wall. or so i'd like to imagine becos it seems loads of fun. and aries are fire-gods who like fun things. but this is not to undermine your compacity to kick ass with a fury worthy of a bean-mastering cong fu princess.

the background on yer site is great
it is like how i tried to describe my brain
related; i really need to lay off the "lite's" de-light
it makes me spacy as hell
ground control to major tom...

*wanderings of thought*

i always thought my belly-button was wierd.
i sat up one night recently thinking about how it was made...
i wonder... if you cut the cord high up, does it make an outie?
close; an innie?
if so what compelled my dad to do it?
what nonsense comes to me late at night
bellybuttons...
i was always envious of innies
nobody ever says wierd to an innie

i keep checking my inbox
but there is nothing shewing
i wonder what you do
i also think about writing my older bros and sis
i wonder what they do too

oh god my stomach rumbles
it occurs to me that i haven't eaten today
(except four coissants)
so i must go eat.

i hope these humble ranmblings are ok


a bien tot cherie
James

Reply-

Date: 3 June 2005
Subject: "i wanna hold your little hand if i could be so bold....
Body:
...and be your right hand man till your hands get old."

i suppose your hands are bigger than mine.

james,
funny thing, the minute i checked my e-mail your e-mail was already only four minutes old and i was in complete ecstacy....well close enough anyways.

did you know the entire sound track of "the life aquatic" is david bowie songs, either sung by david bowie or some guy singing in portugese...i'd like to get my hands on it someday, the sound track that is...and i'd like to learn how to sing in portuguese, seems like it'd be awfully nice.

i have been contemplating for the last hour my subject matter, and i actually wrote a poem, this night about frequencies...it was funny cause it was just one sentence at first, and i just wrote it down...and came back an hour later and looked at it and all of the sudden....KA-BAM!
it's like magic sometimes...i'm quite suprised myself...but you wont see it now, i have written it out on a fine piece of notebook paper...

geez james, i am content.
i came home and my father smiled, nothing was mentioned of my being anywhere today, i had to nothing to butter up for my release, i was safe.
i even got some spagetti(which was also my first meal of the day, besides a few bites of rice this morning) my apitite has been mmmmm not so good latly...
but i manage quite perfectly, i suppose.
i'm enjoying me new room so much, i cut those lights down low and started through the collection of beatles albums...it's pretty sad when i know what song is coming next, maybe that is an accomplishment in life...maybe...i like it, it makes me feel like a fortune teller...
man i'd like to go see one of those...
or this guy micheal erin went to visit, i'd really like to know what i was in my past life, and how that effects who i am right now...oh man i hope i was something like an ardvark...
i think that just fits...or maybe a cat...nah...maybe a dog...
but probably some thing not too great, like a slug.
that would explain a lot...geez.

and i'd also like to direct a ballet to a symphonie of all beatles songs...i think that'd be amazing...i was dancing all around, i got some new moves for strawberry feilds forever...i am such a lame-ass, but that's what i do...just dance around everywhere, i spose.

i told brittany the story of today, for she called me...she screamed a real whole lot, which made me giddy and giggley...

i am just so taken back by the extent of emotions...
it's like i have a nice set of feelers on my head, and i have these heightened senses, i can pick up on a million different things, sneak into your epidermis and right to nucleus of your very cells...
the warmth is amazing
whilst listening to the beatles i was capable of closing my eyes and playing the entire day back, just like it was.
and i came to the conclusion that everything about you, is wonderful.
i knew it before,
but now i've experienced you first hand, and i could have never dreamt it accurately.
and i still don't understand how, i, of all people, could fall into so much fortune...
i mean, god damn.
i must be at least the second happiest person on the planet right now, if not the first, for i'm not really sure of the competition...but yeah...
i am so consumed...and so content.
jesus...
i can't even express myself my thoughts are like bees...
everywhere.

oh my goodness...
today was....oh man i can't even think of a word (that i don't use all the time) to explain this...oh man but it was great...no it was better than great, whatever word you want to choose, for better than great works completely, maybe i should make one up...it was magjestimous...oh man, i am in awe (and i hate the word awe)
but truly.

i can't think of any words to express myself,
i can only think of your skin,
and in that way do i wish to express myself;
by getting next to it,
and encompassing you in my arms.

that's where i like being most best.
oh man, for though most of this makes no sense; know that it's only because i'm lost for words...
and i am sorry for that,
i'd like to be able to write something profound and glorious.
something that could embody it, but my gears aren't capable, as sappy as this sounds, i am incapable of verbally expressing these emotions.

oh god i can't wait to go to sleep so i can wake up, and it be tomorrow, and the next day and the next and the next day...
para tu es un sueno presiono a la piel de un muchacho-
for you are a dream pressed into the skin of a boy.

tu tiene mi corazon
hillery

Date: 4 June 2005
Subject: oh james, i can't see my feet.
Body:
I am so falling for you.

Reply-

Date: 4 June 2005
Subject: "oh james, i can't see my feet." i cannot see them either, in fact, where are mine?
Body:
hillery...

you are the most wonderous wonder i have ever come across
i've just arrived home and my parents give me looks, but they say little and it will all blow over soon enough
i think about our night
i think about you
thank you

oh i wanted you
so bad
i wanted to go slowly and sweetly
but i struggled with the late hour
and was timid
and then...(it will work somehow, i am confident of it)
it would have been so nice, but just laying with you and touching you and kissing you
and then falling asleep next to you
and waking with you...


awe indeed yes
and heels over head seeming

and i still want you, and to hold you and be inside you

it was crazy the whole sneaking out bit
let's not do that again soon (yer house with sleeping parents)

yer eyes were spark-fire-stars
and you were so beautiful
and sweet
you are (still)
and i used to worry about these things; my body
but you admit no flaws

i have no words now
but sweetness on and on
so i will stop and think over our night again
and then write you

i do so hope that all is well at home
your brother is awesome, truly, so thank him for me for being so cool.


ohhh...

ok i must go
my mother...

...

James