I am drinking my dad's beer and smoking my mother's secret stash of pall malls.

the air is fresher here, though my eyes are dry with the now unfamiliar pollen.

i sit with my dog iris, she's shedding her winter coat.

i am doing the same.

canada feels so close and so far away.

i am torn between worlds and lives.

part of me feels at home here, part of me feels so attached to there.

sometimes when it's a cold night, I go outside just to see the stars from a different angle, but I always find myself disconnected from this northern view, it never seems to move me like home.

what do you find more attractive?
physical beauty, or intellect?

I guess I'm not really cool enough.

when my baby brother came to visit.

he's a beautiful child, with a big heart, but he has a long way to go until he's all grown up.

the weather is rainy and I am waiting on a moving truck. I really like the rain in Canada even the thunderstorms aren't as intrusive as the ones back home. I actually love them.

I regret not taking the time to write, but I haven't the patients yet. It will come to me though.

I am back in Georgia, have been for seven days, I want to write when it's all done.

the weather is so warm and it's so beautiful.

So I booked my ticket, and I fly down to see the fam on Monday, which means I get to jump on a bus tomorrow.

I absolutely can not wait to put my arms around them all.

updates from georgia, plus I am taking my new and beloved camera. so it's going to start getting really colorful around here. just you wait. (:

tomorrow is my day of birth.

it still doesn't feel spring to me.
I don't have any familiar sights, trees to look forward to their blossoming the daffodils are just blooming, I am not used to such a late spring, feels unnatural to me,
it has definitely messed with my brain.

I am homesick and silly as it is this will be my first birthday without my family, and with them so very far away.

it hurts my heart that I can't put my arms around them, but I suppose soon enough i will.

part of me wants to drop everything and escape to the familiar confines of my parents home and the land that I have romped upon for many a year.

I just can't get this whole living in Canada thing, I am so happy to be here, but I long to be home, and this does not feel like home to me, yet.
most of me just wants to be back in Georgia.
I am not made for these winters and these late springs. I don't want to feel disconnected, but I do.

and even in my dreams this all feels temporary...I just can't shake it.

and I do regret all the babysitting I am doing,not the money, but I regret having people rely on me now, because I can't escape.
I want to spend my summers at home, were it is familiar and where I recognize the voices laughing around me.

tomorrow I turn 21. but I feel like I am 45.

a compilation photo done with elizabeth, willie (james little brother), james and i.

total sweetness fo sho.
boy i can't wait for my man to get off work. (:

So it's two thirty in the morning.

I've been so sentimental lately you'd think my little heart would burst.

It probably has in it's own right,
though not to sound dumb, but it's kind of always been that way.

I am way too sentimental for my own good.
-------

She sits alone.
It's the cafe that she likes
not the coffee.
The coffee is weak
unaromatic and not quite dark enough.

But she forgets this,
because she keeps going back to that place.
Everytime the same
she watches the people pass on the street.
The town still smells new to her
the season is changing,
the pollen unfamiliar
but sweet in her nostrils.

It is some what refreshing
some what frustrating
and very distant in her brain

though she knows one day down the road she'll look back and think of the smell of this city
and whether she concludes that she liked it or not there will be value.

She takes the time to smoke a cigarette feeling displaced from her home.
and displaced from the feelings of her past which feel the most familiar

she doesn't know how to deal with her stability.

So I was beeing weird and looking at old entries in which I mentioned Ilse, they are all pretty much full of adolescent sadness. I was way too weird and way too dumb, but it's sometimes interesting to see parts of the roots from which we've come.

three
page one
current events
shiver
Love needs no discription
holding yesterday..

I do really miss high school.

It is weird how this has made me feel.

My older brother phoned me this morning in a panic.

He and Ilse had decided they should break up, that the long distance relationship was way too much for both of them.

And you see, Ilse was one of my best friends in middle school and high school.

So now I don't know what to do.
I want to know if Ilse is okay, to make sure everything is alright.

My brother is dying.
He's made himself sick over this, and he wants to give her some space he just doesn't know what to do.

I told him I thought he should fly out there.
they both need closure and comforting.

it seems that
the only animosity is birthed from the fact that they don't want a long distance relationship

it seems that
they are still in love.

I don't know what to do,
I called Ilse, she didn't answer.
is it odd that I am so nervous and anxious?
I had to make myself calm down before I called.

I almost feel like it was me, I mean, I can feel Dru's pain and I just want to go home and see him.

Truthfully,
I never thought this would happen.