I have been wanting to bring things current for a long while, but felt conflicted and also sadden that the habit was no longer naturally there. I used to crave an outlet. I used to yearn for a place where I could just be Hillery, who ever she was that day.
Then things became tedious, the story was too long. So many things where happening on a daily bases that even my mind couldn't keep up. Somewhere in there I met James, he was amazing and I didn't need to talk to myself anymore. We've now been together 6 and a half years and exactly 6 and a half years ago is when I was able to leave all of that which haunted me behind. When I met James was right in the thick of it. 7 and a half years ago is when my family moved from Rome to Carrollton. I had a broken leg and my parents marriage was quickly falling apart. My mother was having a very strange affair, that I had only found about it after having lived in Carrollton for nearly a year. In fact the enlightenment of my Mother's affair and the beginnings of James seem to overlap in my memory. My father, maybe he just could not stand how things where at home because he took to working long hours and since he commuted to his job he was often not home till late in the evenings. My mother, having become very secretive, had taken to night-time grocery shopping. She also began purchasing tons of useless junk online, and had a second cell phone which she used to talk to her bo. She started drinking margaritas and for the first time I noticed booze in the kitchen. My parents kept wine in a rack, but the bottles were dusty and never changed. Otherwise it was rare to even see a beer in the fridge. All of the sudden my parents were never home. Which made being a teenager extremely convient for me and I took up skipping school and smoking pot in our cellar on a regular basis. At that time I felt very much betrayed. I had known we were moving for a whole year, which effected my decisions and outlook on my attendance and class mates at my new school. I wasn't ready to leave my hometown as the summer before 10th grade I had suffered a terrible heart break from not only my two best friends, but from the only love my little heart had ever experienced. I was an incredibly emotional person. I fed off of emotion and stopped eating, emotion and self depredation impassioned me and I love-hated myself like every normal child of 16 does.
posted by hillery @ 11:13 pm on Friday, Dec. 16, 2011